Guest Diary: My Ayahuasca Experience


My Ayahusaca Experience

My experience with Ayahuasca has been incredible. I had just had a surgery less than a month prior to coming down to the Jungle to try Ayahuasca. I had no idea what I hey was getting into, I just knew that I had to come down. I had tremendous fear right before my retreat was due to begin. Just a few days prior pain in abdomen from the surgery was getting worse, I caught a flu, and every time I had chills it felt like I was electrocuted in tiny amounts all over my body; it was extremely uncomfortable. Besides my poor physical disposition, a worker’s strike in Iquitos made it so that our retreat had to start a day late. The night before my departure, when I was pooping, I noticed a lot of blood on the toilet paper I was using. I got so scared. I figured I was having some kind of internal bleeding, and thought I was for-sure dying. I didn’t know if I should try flying back to the United States or if I should go and try to be healed by the Ayahuasca, and maybe possibly die in the Jungle. As dramatic as that seemed,  I thought it would be quite fitting to die during this kind of adventure anyway. After a few minutes of freaking out I decided to check my poop; I reasoned that if it was internal bleeding, I would see the blood in my stool and not just on my anus. My stool looked normal, and I realized that the blood was most likely due to the purple-bunny-printed-sandpaper-like toilet paper my hostel provided. I decided to calm down, and sleep.

The journey itself to the reservation was quite exciting as well. We arrived to the town of Nauta after a 3 hour van-ride. There we boarded a speed boat. It was a small 20 person seater. The boat was totally encased in metal, with small glass sliding windows, and two propeller engines in the back. It looked like it belonged to the cold-war era. It took the boat, going about 50mph, three hours to get to Jenaro Herrera. There is something very special about being on the Amazon river; it is a strong peaceful calming energy. in Jenaro Herrera we checked in with the police, and then we boarded our host’s boat to the camp about 20 minutes away in a slow boat. When I arrived I found out that we would be having our first ceremony that first night. In order to prepare for this retreat we were required to follow certain guidelines called a dieta. These guidelines included: no drugs or alcohol for at least a week prior to the beginning date of the retreat, no sex or masturbation at least three days before; No salt or oil during the retreat. We also drank tree bark tea in the afternoon. Besides these dietary requirements we also did not use soap, toothpaste, or any other beauty products. We were only allowed to use coconut oil as sunblock and moisturizer. For mosquito repellent we were only allowed to use a local tree oil called Copaiba or Badger balm natural bug repellent. The point of these rules is to put vanity aside while we were on the retreat. When I arrived to camp I was still quite afraid because my body felt so uncomfortable with the painful chills, congested throat and nose, and the sharp pain in my abdomen.
The ceremony takes place in a building called a Maloka. This is a circular building with big windows all around it covered by mosquito nets. The ceiling was a series of beautiful, weaved, palm leaf panels; it was held up by large tree branches that had been sanded. These branches made a pattern reminiscent of braincell connections. Ceremonies take place at night in the dark. There are bathrooms towards the entrance of the Maloka. These are compostable toilets. Basically a stall with a curtain for a door. Inside, there is a wooden box with a regular plastic toilet seat. The seat empties onto a bin with sawdust in it. Once you do your business, you take sawdust from a bucket with a cup, and empty three cup-fulls on top of your waste to block the smell. This method works surprisingly well. For hand washing there is a sink with a big plastic garbage can next to it filled with river water. In order to wash your hands you take a pitcher and fill it up from the can. You then use liquid soap, and rinse off with the pitcher. There is a Mesa in the center of the room, in front of where the Maestro–the head Shaman–sits. The Mesa is a tapestry with crystals, stones, and other power objects placed on top of it. There is a candle in front of the Mesa dimly lighting up the room. There are soft mattresses laid in a circle around the mesa, and a few chairs to the right and left of the Maestro for the assistant shamans. Each mattress or chair has a bucket to vomit into if needed, and everyone has a flashlight in case they need to use the bathroom. The shamans sing an Icaro, a sacred song given to them by Ayahuasca, into the brew and into the room, and then the cup is passed, refilled, and energetically cleared and protected, from person to person until all have drank the brew. Once everyone has drank, the Maestro blows out the candle, and there is complete darkness in the Maloka. While I was sitting in the circle I was so nervous I was shaking. I asked God for protection, and went for it. As the ayahuasca brew penetrated my body, my abdomen felt so much better. It was like the pain was numbed. Suddenly I could stand up, and change positions without feeling any pain. And my visions were very clear as well.

My first vision was DMT greeting me once again. She was beautiful, and soft. I was happy and began dancing with my arms and hands, as I had been shown how to before by DMT. It is kind of a Middle Eastern dance, like what belly dancers do with their arms and hands. Then the mood turned a little bit more serious. I was to come to the jungle and work with Ayahuasca. I saw visions of me cutting down trees with Machetes shirtless; I saw how my body hair was meant for the jungle. Since I am such a hairy man, it protects me from flies and mosquitos from landing on my skin. I was to marry Lauren from Green Track, an Australian girl I met and hung out with for a week before I went to the retreat. It was important to say goodbye to my grandmother, because she will cross-over the the other world soon. I cried. I also connected to my mother, and felt her pain, and her pain to come when her mother cross-overs. I also pictured Annalise and I separating, and the sadness was incredible. Both her and I felt this incredible sadness as this was occurring. I cried. I was scared to be working with Ayahuasca in the jungle since I did not want to become a slave to her. I also really did not want to marry Lauren. She does not seem amazing enough for who I would want to spend the rest of my life with. And I was not sure if the sadness that I experienced while I had visions of separating from Annalise were because we were meant to finally be separated, and after so many lifetimes together it was hard, or if that sadness came from us two wanting to be together and being afraid that we might be pulling apart. I was also seeing some negative energies being pushed out of my body by the Icaros. I was unsure about what to do with these energies. I thought that they would have to be transformed or go to another host, I couldn’t just let them get away. I figured I could shine some light on them showing them that they are appreciated just as they are, and maybe thus be transformed into positive energy. So I danced with one, and probably fought with another one, but by the end I was not quite sure what had happened with these energies. On one of the occasions I went to the bathroom I thought it was unusual how loud and close the sound of the Icaros where. Even though they were being sung in the main room it sounded to me like there was a lady singing right next to me. When I closed my eyes, sitting in the bathroom stall, and checked in, I realized that it was mother Ayahuasca singing to me. I saw her face. She was a beautiful jungle-native woman in her early thirties. She was solemn and wise looking. I felt privileged, and I wanted to learn the Icaros from her, but I think I forced it with my thoughts because I saw no possible way. As the ceremony was winding down, I felt very weak, and could not really get up to go to the bathroom. I had gone a few times already, but nothing came out. Those times I figured I was more trying to escape the work that was going on, than actually had to go to the bathroom. On the other hand I had no experience with the medicine, and did not really know what to expect so I wanted to be safe. Zach warned everyone not to trust farts. I couldn’t get up, all my energy had been drained it seemed, but I knew I had to go the the bathroom, and I physically could not move out of my spot It was dark, and it was time for me to ask for help. I was too proud or shy to ask for help for a while, but then I started feeling worse and worse. My body was screaming WATER WATER. So I built up the courage and loudly said Zack! once. There was no answer and I waited a few minutes almost in agony. Then I said: I need help! no one answered for a few seconds, and I became worried, so I said: Is there anyone out there? Then Scott, Zach’s assistant, came over, and I asked him if he could bring me some water. He went to get it, and came back soon. When I drank the water almost within seconds I had a huge urge to puke. I was projectile vomiting for a long time; so much so, that by the time I was done I was way out of breath, and took in a huge gasp of air as if I was drowning. When I was done vomiting I knew I had to go to the restroom, and I proceeded to poop a lot. I knew that waste that had been in there for days was coming out, and I was so glad and grateful. When the ceremony ended I went to sit by the mesa, and I was offered a job by Zach. I thought it was so amazing since in my vision I had opened up a retreat center in the jungle in Colombia. These things do not happen by chance. Once I was made the offer I was scared and unsure, so I just said thank you, and that I would see how I felt by the end of the retreat.

The second ceremony was lot different. My visions were only patterns, and I felt happy, well, and rested for the majority of the time. On this occasion I also asked Ayahuasca if she could give me some open eye visions, since my visions usually occur in my minds eye. she complied quickly. in the corner of my eye I saw a red dragon, very colorful with green accents come out of the kitchen window. it was short and sweet, but also impressive. This dragon looked more like the asian description, more reminiscent of a snake than a western dragon with wings, although this dragon did fly. Also since my abdominal pain, and chills came back after my first ceremony the Ayahuasca worked on these pains once more. I have not had more abdominal pain since. the next day I felt better physically, but mentally it seemed like my sub-concious was doing some hard work; I was foggy in my head all day, and felt a little sad. I was also feeling frustrated with my roommate, Mike, since he was afraid and cynical. Mike had decided that he was not apt to take the Ayahuasca, and he was very afraid since he had not slept at all the first night he took Ayahuasca, or the next day; he also had been hospitalized once after he took acid many years prior to this experience. His negative attitude began to affect me, I did not want to spend time with him in the room, So I would sleep on hammocks in the Maloka if he was in the room, and I took advantage of the times he was not in the room to sleep on my bed. He would also get very upset when I would lock him in our room (understandably), and I would get upset at him and myself for pointing out how I had been unconscious, or unaware. After the second ceremony Mike spoke with Zach, and they decided that he would no longer take the Ayahuasca, and only participate in the tree bark dieta, and he should maintain limited contact with the rest of the members of the retreat. By the time of the third ceremony he began to feel a lot better and decided to take ayahuasca once more.

Ayahuasca showed me that she is a teacher of the light. She shows you through your consciousness a direct experience of what it is like to live in the third dimension and how it relates and extrapolates to higher dimensions. It is the most beautiful process I have ever gone through. The most beautiful instance of this reality that I experienced during the retreat was when I had to walk to the bathroom in complete darkness during my first ceremony. Previously While sitting in complete darkness, in awe of the concert of vomiting occurring all around me, I was bothered by the light that people’s flashlight would make as they were trying to make their way to the bathroom. They would be walking around in the dark, shining their lights at other people’s mattresses not sure of which was their own. In my head I’m thinking, “how can they not know. I mean, I am mareado too, but I am still conscious enough to know where my mattress is located.” Mareado is what the shamans call the state of different reality perception– it literally translates from spanish into motion-sickness, or sea-sickness.
When it came time for me to go to the bathroom I stood up with confidence, and embarked on my journey to the bathrooms. As I walked I took one step at a time. When I ran into a chair reclining against a wall I decided to turn on my flashlight and cover it with my hand so that I could see just a little bit ahead of me, but not enough to bother anyone one else around me. As I slowly took one step after the other in the darkness a powerful vision came to me. I realized that this is how life is. We don’t really know what the path looks like. We can certainly know the destination. In this case my destination was the bathroom, I had no idea what the path to get there looked like, or if there were any dangers along the way; like giant poisonous spiders or unfriendly-looking massive cockroaches, but I realized it does not matter, as long as we keep on walking. We can only see what our current step, the beginning of the next step, and the final destination looks like, the rest belongs to the darkness. Our job is to trust and have faith that we will be safe, and that we will arrive at our destination. Once I got this I was transported to space, where celestial bodies deal with this exact same reality. It showed me how we, living in a planet in a third dimensional reality, are a microcosm and tool for our own planet, solar system, galaxy, and entire Universe. These celestial bodies too are traveling through darkness spreading light, unsure of the dangers in their journey. So is our universe, constantly expanding into the darkness, lighting up more and more space, un-manifest darkness; and just like us, human beings, the planets, stars, and the universe feel the uncertainty, possibly fear, and ultimately excitement that is the amazing adventure of lighting up the dark. The more we as people practice this beautiful exciting task, the better the universe gets at it, and the more wonderful places and creations it can introduce us to for exploration in our dimension. How this idea extrapolates to even higher dimension is hard to describe in words but I will still try, because I think  this is one of the most exciting visions that Ayahuasca can introduce anyone to. I saw the center of the universe, the center of all creation. This place has the brightest light that has ever existed. It is also a metropolis of light, with spheres, and other wondrous shapes of all of the colors imaginable and un-imaginable. The consciousness of this most bright light has lived through all the experiences that anyone and anything that has ever been alive or ever will be alive lives through. In this infinite wisdom there is no judgement of anything: not war, not hate, nothing negative, there is just loving understanding, and a youthful sense of wonderment. Even though this consciousness is omniscient it also experiences and views everything as if for the first time. What is even more heart-warming to me than this unconditional love, is the happiness this consciousness feels every-time any form of life anywhere choses to take the leap into the darkness, chooses to feel taken care of and protected in the face of uncertainty, and thus shines bright light onto unknown territory.
When I was coming back from the bathroom, I had no idea where I was going. I almost ran into someone’s mattress, and it got to the point where I had to shine my flashlight onto other people’s mattresses to check if it was mine so I wouldn’t go into someone else’s mattress. At this moment I realized that it behooves me to be more understanding and tolerating of others especially when we’re in the darkness. It became clear to me that in the darkness things are not always what they seem like, when I shined my flashlight onto my mattress and I thought there was someone lying on it when in reality it was just my blanket and pillow that looked like there as a person there. Things are not always what they seem like, especially in the darkness.

I was looking forward to the third ceremony–this was mostly due to the fact that I still had a slight head-ache from the night before, and I was beginning to get comfortable with the medicine. I had 3/4 of a cup, and I started feeling the effects almost immediately. Most of my visions I see with eyes closed. As I was getting comfortable with my mareacion my gall-bladder came to mind, and that is when that nights journey began. I started feeling sad, guilty and worried about having made the decision of surgically removing my Gallbladder. Then I saw the devil going into my belly. This devil amusingly enough looked like a white man with a thin french-style mustache pointing up at the tips, wearing a top hat and a tux; he was smiling. I wanted to stop it at first. Asking my angels and guides to protect me. When I did this the image of the devil would go away momentarily, but then it would come back shortly after. As if I was being asked to confront this. I began to relax, and decided to trust what was happening and see where it would take me. The devil went in my belly taking out my gallbladder and showed me death. Death was an expressionless beautiful black snake with bright green and hot pink triangles on the top and bottom of her skin. The triangles on the bottom were facing up and the triangles on the top were facing down. She also had white dots running along the center. Her eyes were white, and her mouth and tongue were red. Death took me on a journey: It showed me that death is born in a person’s life a long time before it occurs, and it has everything to do with the seemingly small decisions that we make on a daily basis. These small decisions lead us to bigger and more important decisions as we continue on a certain life path. If we are unconscious of our decisions for long enough, and death notices that we not alert, which she will, she envelopes us in darkness and swallows us. In my case she showed me how my unconscious decisions took me to the moment where I had to get an emergency surgery– like the extra glass of wine at the bar, or the piece of candy I ate that deep down I knew would not be good for me, or the late night fourth meal. At this point death showed me the surgeon doing my surgery, and him forgetting one of his instruments inside me, and me having to go back to get another surgery to get it out. During this second surgery there were complications and I was going to die. When I saw this I became incredibly sad, and could not believe that it was going to be my fate to die like that. When I thought that, I asked Ayahuasca if that was true and she replied “no”. She was just showing me an example of a possibility for my life so I would start taking consciousness and awareness more seriously. Death is the devil’s tool, and it is also our biggest ally. Death is always next to us, keeping us company. Death was always slithering around me. After she took me on the journey of teaching me about the importance of being aware of all the decisions I make no matter how small, she began to teach me about how she works, her function, and her relationship to living beings. Out of her explanation I realized that she is the biggest ally any awakened human being could have. Death is always by our side. She will dance with us, and as long as we acknowledge her presence she will not take us, or swallow us, as it looked like in my vision. This dance is a lesson in gratitude of life. Without her we could forget the beautiful gift that life and consciousness is. Death, if we have made the choice of being conscious adults in life, can help keep us on our toes, always alert, and thus always aware of our surroundings which makes it easy to feel appreciation and see the beauty all around us. If we have not consciously made the decision of being adults on earth and thus the Universe we are protected by other forces, exactly which I do not know. In this case, unconscious life, people unaware of their decisions will experience as many useful situations in order to build a catalogue of experiences that will be called upon on a future life when they are ready to wake up.
Awakening is one of the most important missions of Ayahuasca; although she will gladly act as only a means to heal and detoxify the body, if that is what is most needed in a person’s life. In my experience, my past beliefs had me convinced that I was awakened and conscious. It was not until I met Ayahuasca that I realized I was asleep in many ways. Ayahuasca has definitely been an agent of awakening for me. Before Ayahuasca I did not want to face certain realities of the world as perfect parts of existence. Most of these realities had to do with killing, war, and the darkness of the world. After Ayahuasca I realized that with a lot of light there is an equal amount of darkness present, and one needs to be aware of this, and properly prepare and protect oneself from these forces. It is not enough to simply say that one is not attracting these realities, since they are a part of life, and they are the parts which balance out the light, and keep it appreciative of what it is. The good news is that once one is prepared and protected properly there is no reason to worry, and one is not in real danger; the sad part is that this sometimes means having security guards with weapons, and smoking tobacco for protection. This is a subject that I would like to further explore, because I believe that once one is enlightened, for me meaning existing purely observing reality, and not reacting to anything, all of these aspects of darkness will simply slide right off. To me, this understanding of the coexistence of dark and light also made me wonder if it is time for the people of the new-age spiritual community to stop looking away from the darkness in the world and not thinking about the negative aspects of the world, and instead desire to be agents of light to spread it and shine it onto these people and places in the darkness.

After I was presented with the concept of death and the devil, Ayahuasca made my journey a lot more pleasant and exciting. I saw the most beautiful and amazing woman in the world, as an enlightened being. This woman is Annalise. She is radiant. The brightest light shines from inside her lighting up everything around her. She looks like an image of the Virgin Mary. She is so beautiful. I then saw that she loves me, and that I too was an enlightened being. She is loved by everyone who meets her since her love for life is enormous. I saw her floating above the ground in meditation, and I saw her in social interactions. In these social interactions she was being loving towards everyone; positive and negative people. There were those who wanted her to be their partner, but in my vision her and I were together, and her reply to these people was gentle and energetical in nature, and it said something along the lines of: “if you only knew Roberto the way I do you would understand why I am with him, and you would not question that our connection is eternal and sacred.” At that moment I saw myself as an enlightened being. It was the mot beautiful feeling I have ever had. Joy and tranquility filled my entire being. I was in a meditative state while I was feeling this, also floating above the ground.  I was also shown what practice it took to achieve that. It is the act of being; of pure observation without reaction to being. When feelings come up one just observes them. When something in the environment occurs one just observes it–regardless of whether it is death, or sexual, or fun, or ridiculous, one does not react one just observes it. Annalise also taught me about sex. She showed me the difference between sex in darkness, and sex in the light. Sex in darkness is mischievous, and it is about hide-and-seek. It makes up the illusion that the other does not know what lies in the body parts we keep hidden from the public, and it creates the illusion that when we expose these body parts we are doing something naughty, and occult. This game of hide and seek is very exciting, but only for a short amount of time. The brevity of the excitement is due to the fact that we are all one, and the occult, hidden, and naughty are all just illusions, lies, or silly games we choose to play–Because we are all one there actually are no secrets between any two or more people. Even if we choose to not share something verbally with another, we are all constantly telepathically communicating, and we know what everyone is thinking. Most people choose not to acknowledge that reality since they are addicted to the game of hide and seek, and because this game is so brief, people need to constantly play it not just sexually but in every aspect of their lives: at work, with their families, with the cashier at stop-and-shop, with their weed dealer, politicians, and even their pets. The moment we accept that telepathy is real, and always occurring it becomes impossible to play the game since there are no more lies or hidden and occult information. Also once we accept the reality of telepathy we can no longer be victims, we can no longer be cheated, we can no longer be in the dark, we instead rightfully step into the light, giving us full responsibility for our feelings and our lives. Sex in darkness thus can be addictive and promiscuous since every time we have sex expecting to encounter something that we do not know, we feel disappointed, and then take the quickest next opportunity to try an get some “strange”, when in reality all we are doing is  getting some “familiar”.
Sex in the light is a most beautiful act. Once one understands it, hearing about the hindu gods that would make love for thousands of years seems plausible and also perhaps a goal to achieve. Annalise showed me that sex in the light shows itself as it is, beautiful and the most powerful and pure form of creation. It acknowledges that it is so powerful it is capable of creating life, and creating the strongest bonds between any two people. Sex like this is a celebration of knowingness; of knowing and appreciating one another. It is also a celebration of exploration of light and energy, or awareness and observation– conscious or unconscious. It is a celebration of openness and fearlessness.
Ayahuasca also showed me the steps I would take and places I would go to in order to learn enlightenment. I am to be an agent of light. I have to learn how to hold so much light in me so that I can be a beacon. Once I am versed in this skill I will travel the world to the darkest places to spread light. This will be a difficult adventure because of its nature, but it will also bring enormous joy once each place is light up enough to see and love itself.

As this Ayahuasca ceremony was ending I had one last vision. I saw that I had been taking more than what I needed from the world. I saw that I was taking a lot of showers at the retreat, which were certainly needed, but I was excessive in my use of water. This is important since the water is brought up from the river on people’s backs. These workers and family members of the Maestro, bring up bucket-fulls of water to fill up bins  in shower stalls where one takes a pitcher a pours water over oneself. I took 5 to 6 showers a day, and before my vision I would pour three or four gallons of water over myself a lot of the times. After my vision I promised that I would only use one gallon, and prevent myself from taking so many showers, and instead swim in the river anytime I wanted a shower. This proved to be the best activity during the day I participated in, and also I prevented a lot of weight from going on the worker’s backs. Being aware of this kind of thing has everything to do with awareness, and consciousness, and this is the ultimate goal. I realized that once one is awakened, one carries the weight of those who are not awake, and one does that gladly. Showing those who are not awake the work necessary to keep them alive and well. This teaching by example method is efficient in that every time anyone sees someone else taking responsibility for someone else’s waste and livelihood, and they see that person taking responsibility with love, a message is recorded in the subconscious of the observer. The moment when an awakening catalyst is triggered, the now-awake-observer will feel an urgent need to take full responsibility for their existence, and most importantly their waste; These people will also lovingly do the necessary work, and take responsibility for those not yet awake.

Learning to trust the darkness is another of the lessons I got from drinking Ayahuasca. When I would have to go to the bathroom during ceremony and I had my flashlight on in the stalls, the light bother my sight a lot. After the second ceremony I realized that I did not have to endure this annoyance. I realized that the only reason I had the light on was because I did not want to step on or sit on any cockroaches. I realized that this fearful event would never happened if I simply did not worry about it, and trusted that they saw me and my light, and that my body would also instinctively know as well. Once I realized that truth I was able to go to the bathroom without any light, and I had no trouble finding the toilet paper, or the saw-dust bucket. I also had no trouble finding the water jug or soap to wash my hands with in the dark. This made my experience of going to the bathroom so much more peaceful and relaxing than it would have otherwise been.

The fourth ceremony was quite strange. I took the same amount of Ayahuasca that I had been taking or the past three ceremonies, but this night was nothing last the ones before. Usually once I take the brew my visions come on fairly quickly. This was not the case this time. At the beginning of the night Zach had said that if there was anything specific that we wanted to work on, that we should go up in front of the mesa. Because I was not feeling anything really I decided to do this. Sitting in front of the mesa the Icaros were very loud, and I could sort of tell that something was going on inside my body. I began to feel uncomfortable and restless. Kind of like a mixture between a fever and restless leg syndrome. I got up, went to the toilet, not much happened. I went back to my mattress, and couldn’t really get comfortable, so I decided to get a chair to sit on, but that wasn’t comfortable either, so I decided to lie back down. After an hour of this discomfort I began to realize that Ayahuasca was working hard bringing up some childhood trauma I experienced, and that was going to be too difficult for me to deal with if I had visions about it, so I was grateful, but the uncomfortable feeling was not gone. I started shaking a lot. It was like short jolts of energy that would shake my whole body quite often. I would also yawn a lot, which meant I needed to take in a lot of air for this to come out. Every time I yawned I would be reminded to breathe deeply, and so I would. I felt so uncomfortable it got to the point where I asked Gume, the Maestro, for help. He came over, and I told him I needed some help releasing something. He came over and gave a Venteado, a ritual where he sings an Icaro, blows wind onto me with palm leaves tied together, and he blows jungle tobacco smoke onto me as well. This was tremendous help, and I could tell that it took him a lot of energy to help me release that blockage I had since I was a small boy. I rested, although occasionally I would still experience the jolts of energy that would make me shake, but these began to feel a lot nicer than before. After a while I felt a lot better, and began to see visions. I saw my family. I saw what amazing being my father and mother are. I saw that they are a strong team that has been together for many lives spreading light, and they are masters at it. I saw my father’s power, and how strong it is. It helped me realize that great power is gentle, caring, and humble. I also saw him as a leader at the farm. I saw that his cows love him, and love life, and are happy where they are. I used to be concerned because of the new barn and automated milking system that they are working with at the farm, but the cows told me that they are happy, and their reason to be is to be of service to my father in producing their milk. Being useful is what fulfills them, and so I was glad. once the ceremony was over, I went over the the guys cutting open the coconuts, and sat by them  I really enjoy speaking with them. I was very mareado still tho, so I mostly lied in a mattress while they laughed and joked amongst themselves. At one point a young girl and an older woman that work in the kitchen, and the family’s grandma came over to sit with us, they were also joking around. At one point one of the men Rafael got my attention and asked me if I wanted to drink the young girls milk. Befuddled I asked him what? to make sure if I heard him correctly. He said, do you want to drink her milk? I said thank you, but no I don’t. I think she wanted me to suck on her breasts. I looked over at her and asked her, what is your name? She said Dorkas. She said it slowly and put emphasis on the s. I replied, hi, I’m Roberto. A while after Rafael got my attention again and asked me: you don’t even want to kiss her forehead? I said no I’m flattered, but no thank you. I thought it was funny, and everyone else was laughing too. These jungle Peruvian people are very open about their sexuality, and they are not prude at all.      My friend Warren then came over to where I was with the peruvians and we all spoke for a while. It was a really lovely end to a challenging night.

The fifth and last ceremony was also not like the first three, and it wasn’t like the one before it either. I felt a little mareado, but it seemed to me like it wasn’t enough. When Zach asked if anyone wanted more Ayahuasca I muscle tested myself to see if that would be the right step for me since this night I only took a half cup of the brew. My muscle test turned out to be positive so I decided  ask for more, but when I asked I interrupted Zach in the middle of an Icaro. I wasn’t sure then, but I later realized that I was not being very conscious and aware at that time. He asked me if he could finish singing the Icaros before he would pour me some more, and I said yes. A little while after, Zach poured me some more Ayahuasca and shortly after that I began having visions. During this last ceremony I was presented with visions of how I am and come of as to other people, and how I can improve myself. I saw that I often believe I have it all figured out. And this blocks me from loving people, and this creates most of the dis-ease I feel with a lot of people. I was making others wrong for not living and understanding life the way I do, and then I was getting angry at them for being themselves. I saw how detrimental that way of being is, and I opened up to loving people I really wanted to love, but wasn’t allowing myself to. It felt great to release that. I also realized that I would come off as cocky and proud, and that was takin power away from me instead of giving me more power. I then realized how humble Gume is, and I really wanted to ask him how he learned humility, and how long it took him to learn it. When he was coming around the circle giving everyone venteados I asked him and he told me that it took him ten years to learn humility, and that was because he was not very strict with his dietas earlier in life. He said that if I wanted to learn humility I could do it in a year. He said that two dietas a month for a year would do it. I thought it was so amazing how I could have this kind of question for someone, and first of all they could know what I am referring to, and second know how to answer. I was very glad to have spoken with him. I also apologized to Zach for having been so unconscious when I went up to take more Ayahuasca. He said it was alright, and then I told him that I have so much to learn. he came closer to me and said, I find that those who say that they know everything are full of crap. I thought it was funny and true, I was very glad with his response, since I realized that I was coming off that way, and I saw that he realized I had noticed that, and begun to address it. During this night’s visions I also saw that I had put a negative energy into Morgan, one of the girls that came on the retreat with us. I realized that the reason that ocorred was that I did not know how to release negative energy during the first ceremony, and as I attempted to figure it out I sent out that energy to find another host. I realized how important it is to be responsible for one’s waste. I spoke with Morgan the following morning, and explained to her what had happened. She was very understanding, and not surprised at all either. That night I spoke with a lot of people after the ceremony. They were some of the most beautiful conversations I have ever had in my entire life. I stayed up until four in the morning talking with my good friend Dave. It was a magical night.


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