Owwh! My Ego Pooped on the Carpet! How I Learned Self Confidence

Ayahuasca has been taking me on a most extraordinary journey. Before I came to Peru to drink Ayahuasca I was certain that I was an aware, and awoken person. Thanks to Ayahuasca I realized I have a lot of work to do still. It wasn’t until my second retreat that I found out what my ego is, and what it looks like. In my visions I saw myself in situations where I acted like I am the shit. Being overly proud of myself was aggrandizement my ego. Not that being proud of one’s work is necessarily bad. Pride is a word with many negative connotations. In a conversation I had with Zach he said something that rang very true to me, he said “because pride is such a heavy word, you can use: being satisfied with one self and one’s work.” This rang true in that in perusing masterdom  one strives to produce impeccable work, and live an impeccable life.  Satisfaction comes when one has lived up to one’s standards. Seeing my ego was a wake up call, and I was confused, and a little scared of how I behaved. Am I being cocky? Is my ego acting up? It was somewhat stressful to live life this way. I expressed my worry to Zach, and he quoted David Hawkings. He said that Hawkings said the ego is like a pet; it keeps us company, it is funny and gives us a good laugh once in a while, and sometimes it takes a crap in the middle of the rug, and we have to clean it up. This summed it up for me, and allowed me to put my dilemma into perspective. I stopped worrying, and just began observing my ego.

When it comes to living a happy life, a life we are satisfied with and living a life with self-confidence it is crucial to listen to one’s wildest dreams. These are the thoughts and ideas that inspire adventure and risk taking~this is when we feel most alive. We may have many wild dreams, and it is good to pursue them so we may differentiate the ones we created out of our ego from those that are divinely inspired and lead us to joy. In order to do this we must learn how manifestation works, and take responsibility for our creations. First we usually begin manifesting out of logic: thoughts and ideas like “I want to make lots of money so I have the freedom to do what I want.” This is an ego based dream, but I encourage those who want to try this to do it. Once we are in a position where we are making the amount of money that we asked for, we realize that although we are happy and satisfied with being able to manifest, we also realize that there is not much joy in our life, and it feels like something is missing. I myself manifested jobs and circumstances like this, until I realized that instead of trying to control how I will reach my goal I can let go, and focus on being the best self I can be. This looks like being happy wherever one may be, and being conscious and aware of one’s thoughts. Having that said I do warn those who are in the path of searching for money before joy~from personal experience I found that because my thoughts were not in alignment with where I was workings and the way my life was going I came across a personal health crisis that woke me up, and led me to take the plunge to come to Peru, and follow my wildest dreams blindfolded; one step at a time. These are the moments in life that teach us to manifest based on the heart.

When we let go, and trust god, we can manifest from the heart, and life suddenly becomes a lot easier. The doorway to our wildest dreams shows up in front of us, and our only duty is to step through it. When we do, however, find it difficult to listen to our heart, it is the ego’s job to find blame. Depending on where one is in one’s path to raising consciousness, one will blame others, or one will blame one self. Due to my discovery of the ego, and my propensity to blame myself I always figured that all the tension  I felt in relationships with others was caused solely by me. This is when Ayahuasca began teaching me self confidence. Yes it is true that 95% percent of the time tension is created by us, but there are times when it is not and Ayahuasca helped me see this. She asked me to quiet my mind, in order to stop my judgement, and just see the visions she gives me without filtering them. By doing this I was able to see that tension in a particular relationship I was having a hard time with, was actually being created by the other person. I was so surprised with this revelation, that I did not want to believe it, especially because I have great respect for this person. I was also shown, however, that just because it is not us creating the tension, we still need to take responsibility for ourselves. It is easy to rest in one’s laurels and give away all responsibility, but this is a dangerous approach; rather one can begin offering as much love as one can to this person, and cautiously approach them in company or conversation, without being direct about one’s revelation. This for my was not just an exercise in practicing self trust, but also practicing trust for Ayahuasca. When one is having visions it is quite easy to distinguish what come from Ayahuasca, and what comes from the ego, if one just quiets the mind for a moment and asks Ayahuasca.

Having began to learn self-confidence I have also learned to listen to my wildest dreams through a different lens. I can now see where  I was stopping myself from striving towards these beautiful dreams because I was afraid of being egotistical. I can now give myself enough trust to listen to myself, and strive for bigger and wilder dreams without fear.

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